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Dec 7, 2012 at 10:16am
where to start,
by seanvll
well it started in 1988, I was born in Portland maine to a drug attic mother and my dad was in the navy. I was neglected, abused, and feed cough syrup to fall asleep. in my first 2 years I was in the middle of a custody battle which my dad won. I then started moving down the east coast and attending new schools and making new friends every year until I was 5 I lived in kentuky with my family at my grand mothers house. a house in front of a small patch of woods that hid a grave yard. nothing creepy happened, I do remember riding atcs and having my uncle kill rattle snakes but that time was an ok time. I made good grades, all A\'s, had friends played, not a care in the world.

it didn\'t really start until the age of 8 when I moved to Virginia. when I got here it was a new world. the demographic has changed from what im used too, the people cruel, the city was ugly compared to the beautiful country I was used first year of school in Virginia was the third grade. I was insulted for the first time for my last name and my accent. looney tunes and any other name you can create with looney. hick boy, country bumkin. it was all new to me and I hated everyone who ever thought that way. I did my work, helped people out, and I knew everything I was taught but I started getting d,s and e\'s. I never had one of those. I was held back an extra year because I didn\'t make the right grades. the first time I brought home one of the report cards with a d on it I gave it to my dad. unexpectedly it started something I never expected. he slapped me across the room and beat me with a leather belt with metal things in the holes. my dad was a drinker by then, and he lost control of it and became an alcoholic. after I was beaten for the first time I was grounded for the first time. I had no idea it was going to be permanent. when I barly made it to the forth grade after being beaten so bad I bled on several occasions to the point I got used to it, and long years trapped in a room, and the constant ridicule by not only the students but the teachers cause I was a country white boy in a prodomonantly black area with an aweful criminal existence. I was jumped for the first time, not because I said or did anything but because I was different. I went to the hospital and they stitched up my leg and face (45 total)I went home expecting some kind of pity or something from my dad. that\'s not what happened. I got the biggest beating yet, worse than the one I had at the school, after I was forced to do the most manually demanding chores he could think of. this continued, a friendless, fatherless, painful, depressing life trapped in my room or doing rediculas chores and gaining new scares.

I finally made it to middle school, I had my first crush, don\'t remember the name but I remember the face. I asked her to be my gf after talking to her and she accepted. I was happy to have someone to talk to. I gave her the number to the house so I could talk to her. when she called my dad picked up, basicly chewed this girl out and said never to call again. he then came into my room and destroyed all my favorite things and beat me for giving out my number. the next day I get to school and im getting stares and laughed at. when I went up to the girl she acted like she didn\'t know me. that whole year was the worse yet. skipping stories and years im in the 10th grade. this year im failing so bad im not allowedto go to summer school so im left in tenth another year. this was a turning point. I gave up on school and started skipping. I never had a girl friend and in my mind no one wanted me. after being cast away in my room and missing everything that everyone else was enjoying I became socialy awkward. I had no friends infact my sister got her friends to beat the s*** out of me the year after she graduated, why? because I was weird and it might teach me something. then this one thing happened. I was walking to my locker and when I opened it a guy walked up and slammed my head into the open door. that\'s when I snapped. I grabbed the lock and beat his face in. I got suspended while the kid who started it (a dumb ass who knows nothing and gets free grades cause hes on the foot ball team and gets a scholarship to ohio state) I never got to do anything extra, no sports, no clubs, no video games, no movies, no parties, no anything. my dad locked me away my whole entire life. after I realized im not as weak as I thought and getting some kind of popularity I said f*** it and started sneaking out drinking, I even tried pot. we stole peoples yard ornaments, spray painted ducks, cares, houses,we got pulled over and escorted back to school on the days we skipped. well I started a knife collection and held it under my bed. I never used them, they were just art to me, my brother got into them and left one outside when he was showing his friends. my dad found it and as I came home from \"School\" I was thrown into a wall so far that my back hit the brick on the outside of the house. it was the first time I stood up to my dad. I told him \"touch me again and I will break your knee caps\" of course he kicks me out. so not having any options I went to Arizona where the drug addict mother was.

when I got there it was fine, met my 2 half sisters, my biological mother who at the time seemed ok, had my own room, freedom to do what I wanted. I watched my first movie at the theater, had my fist computer, had a cell phone, had a f*** buddy, got to drink when ever I wanted. well that still lasted, except for the f*** buddy: we decided it made us feel weird. that\'s when I noticed that my mother was acting weird. she stopped trying to hide her narcotic habit. it wasn\'t bad at first but it escalated slowly. that\'s about the time I realized that every job required a high school diploma. so I went to the marines and they referred me to an accelerated high school. they told me it would take over a year to finish but I finished in 1.5 months with a 4.0. after receiving my diploma I discovered this website. may 18 2008, I met someone im not going to disclose. she was up here and we started chatting. nothing fancy, she just turned 18 and I was about to go to boot camp. after I went to boot camp the one thing on my mind was her. it was weird, but it was. she sent me a couple letters in boot camp and it was absolutely the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I was shortly after medically discharged for and eye condition. after getting home I talked to her more, we were great friends. we had a connection but it took us a while to get romantic. I blame my self for that because I didn\'t know what to do. we were great, it was long distance im not sure what to call it she says we were not bf and gf but I thought it was just that. we told each other we loved each other had dreams, she sent me Christmas gifts, drew me a picture out of charcoal and it was beautiful. she was everything I wanted. she was beautiful, creative, kind, smart, out going, she had the most amazing smile, I was inlove with her. after a great almost year went by she was going to visit a certain place she planned on moving too. she was partying and what not, I thought she deserved it so what the hell. she went back home and things were still great. we had a conversation about something, if we did a certain thing would we want to know, I said yes not knowing that things would be different. we never had a fight. the next day after that conversation she called me crying. asked me if I have did anything that would prolly ruin the best thing that happened to me, I said no. after 15 minuts of her getting the nerve to tell me she finally did. my heart instantly dropped out of my chest, I was thinking \"it was only 2 weeks\" and many other things. right after she told me something else that made me stop thinking about the first thing. all I knew was right then in that moment I hated...I hated more than I ever have...this over whelming pain and confusion just suffocated me from the inside. but I loved her, still do, so we tried to make it work but that pain and confusion turned me bitter and relentless I yelled at her for the first time. and the second. everyday it would seem we were fine and suddenly there I was chewing her out to the point that she was in tears. I felt cold, I couldn\'t stop. I thought the only way to make it better was to see her. I wanted nothing more than to be happy with this girl. but this over whelming pain just wouldn\'t let me shut the f*** up and treat her the way I did so wish to. I worked in one of my friends businesses to save up money to see her. I was refreshing furniture and making lamps. and eventually I had enough for a ticket. I bought her the ticket to see me. I planned everything that we would do. I wanted it to be perfect. got her favorite food, got her a new pillow cause mine were flat, got tickets to a theater play, and I bought an engagement ring. after I gave her an amazing night of fun I was going to propose to her as we were staring at the stars. it was going to be perfect, I had a spot where you could see every star in the sky, the lake reflected the light to where it glowed perfectly with the fire was going to be the beginning to the life I wanted. the time finally came for her to come. I managed to keep my mouth shut a week and not yell at all. it wasn\'t perfect but we were good. an hour before she was supposed to leave. she called me and said she was to scared to get on the bus. this sucked. sucked bad but I tried to be sincere, and I offered to take the ticket and go myself. well I managed to get the tickets worked out. I couldn\'t refund any of the arrangements, so I told my sister to go with her boy friend. the day before I was supposed to go there, we had another argument. the argument that ended it. she said don\'t get on the bus your not was my fault, I couldn\'t stop yelling. no matter how hard I tried it just wouldn\'t work. but the next day I called and said \"im sorry, I love you\" then she said the worst thing \"I think we just got used to saying it\" but that wasn\'t true, I was still inlove with her. I just didn\'t know what to do, how to feel, I never had a relationship, everything was a mess in my head. my heart throbbed everyday and it came out as anger.

after that I tried to get her back...I turned into a creep. I didn\'t relize it, but I was calling, emailing, made a fake story saying I got hacked, did a bunch of stalker crazy s***. she even gave me another chance and I blew it in one day. eventually she deleted everything from facebook to email, she changed her number, and many other things. she was gone...I had the address she was going to live at and was actually going to go see her and came to my senses and didn\'t because I would of been arrested in a strange place, then I thought I would just send her the ring I was going to propose with...I was told by a friend that it was pointless so I didn\'t. I then periodacly called the house phone of the place and the person who picked up said she didn\'t live there....eventually I relized....its over. after a year and a half I finally realized, there was no hope. I messed it up. when I had a chance I blew it. but at the same time what she did hurt so bad that I shut down. in that same 1.5 year span a lot of other life events happened. it was a time I needed her the most and I lost her. first thing that happened was I was mother started over doseing on her pills so I decided to regulate them...she didn\'t like that, she called the cops and said I beat my sisters....after getting out of jail...I was homeless for a mother died during that time, my 2 sisters were put into foster care and I lost contact...I had to fake an apology to my father to get him to let me come home. soon after I was shot. then after my recovery I decided to go to school and get a culinary certification, job corps was the only affordable option. during that time I met a wasn\'t the same as before this girl had serious depression issues but for some reason they went away around me. I felt bad for her. one day we just ended it, again it was my fault. couldn\'t keep my mouth shut against the little s***. I soon graduated job corps with the best rating any student in job corps ever had. I left with 32 certificates and awards. I got back home and a friend in Arizona offered me a job. a good friend of mine had plans on buying a restaurant. she wanted me to be the executive chef because she tried my cooking before job corps and she loved it. the day I got there the money she had fell through. she didn\'t buy the restaurant and I was stuck working 80 hours a week there for 200 a week. if I didn\'t I would of been homeless yet again. shortly after I got there the friend found a boy friend said f*** everyone and moved 250 miles away. soon after I had an offer to go to a culinary expo in Canada. I went. it was a thing where you go back 2 weeks a month for 2 years and they pay everything while your there, on the second trip I was at the grocery store picking up some chicken and it looked discolored so I sniffed it to see if it was good. then something I least expected happened. I hear laughing over my shoulder. I look over and this beautiful woman was there laughing at me. I look around to see if it was for sure and it was. me sniffing chicken was the most amuzing thing to her. she then asked me why I was sniffing it and I explained, \"im a cook here on an expo and I have a free room with a kitchenete and I want to make something\" she then looked interested and I invited her over. she and her kid came over and we all ate watched movies and just had fun. little did I know I just made a friend, a couple trips later we started dating. its been 7 months now and I honestly thing this girl is the one. but before I rush on to anything, a few months ago I lost my job which directly made me lose placement in the expo because feeding my self was a must. so I moved back to Virginia and the relationship has been long distance. things are going ok I have 2 jobs and im slowly saving up to the required $10,000 needed to qualify for a work visa. me and my current girl friend do have arguments but they are mostly for little stuff and we end up all right. its healthy and im in love for a second time. im healthy, more physically fit then I have ever been. my dad isn\'t a bad drunk anymore, hes trying though he still has rough spots. after 2 years I finally get a hold of my sisters. the oldest one graduates high school soon with straight a\'s and the little one is being the prissy spoiled princess she always has been but at least she treats me with respect. I came to realize no matter how bad you have it, if you open your eyes and take in the little things life becomes better. just gotta push a little bit, times are hard but they r manageable with effort. and to have dreams you must work to them, because if you don\'t they will be nothing but fantasies. if you have ever lost a love, be strong and take it slow. let thing roll there course. if it didn\'t work out for any reason even if its your fault then it wasn\'t ment to be.
where to start,
· 12-07-12 10:16am
by seanvll

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